


How's Canada?

by Thatsarcasticidiot



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Heartbreak, Letter, M/M, This is shitty I just needed to get it off my chest, no happy ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-03
Updated: 2018-10-03
Packaged: 2019-07-24 11:00:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 616
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16173719
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Thatsarcasticidiot/pseuds/Thatsarcasticidiot
Summary: Jeno's letter to Renjun; his first love.





	How's Canada?

**Author's Note:**

> Basically, this is a letter that I wrote to a person that I love who also moved across the world and is tragically straight, and I just changed it so that it could fit Noren, (they never got the letter btw)

Hello Renjun. I'm absolutely terrified about you reading this letter, because you're about to find something out that I've only told few people and I don't know if you'll be okay with this. I'm bisexual. And I fell in love with you. 

I started having feelings for you about 3/4 of a year before you moved, so right after you made me start dance classes. I started realising that I began thinking you were way prettier than I used to, I remember clinging on to you, but at that point, I didn't know I liked you. It was a couple months later when I realised I liked you. When you lied in my lap all those times I nearly died, when you held my hand I was going crazy. You held my hand so much. There were a few times where we nearly kissed, because you brought our faces so close together.

I never told you but a few people thought we were dating. You might be disgusted by that, I don't know. I hated myself for loving you. You were the first person I've ever truly loved and I miss you so much. I used to watch you laugh and be so amazed, I thought you were the best thing to walk this earth. At one point, I thought you liked me back. There's been times where I've nearly told you, but something always made me stop just before I did. 

I used to look at myself in the mirror and wonder how you could ever like somebody like me. I even got jealous of your church friends. Mark especially. Im an idiot. I know. And I'm sorry.

You held my hand the whole day when you told me you were leaving. You probably didn't even know what you were doing to me every time you did that. I didn't know what to do with myself when you said you were moving. The first person I've ever loved is moving. Across the world. I wanted to tell you that day so badly, I nearly did. But I got scared that you would never talk to me again, and I'd rather hide than that. Sometimes I used to try and wish that I never fell in love with you, but I don't and it's stupid. I don't wish I never fell in love with you, because you were one of the best parts of my life. And I hate that. I could have been normal. But I wouldn't give you up for the world. Maybe that makes me an idiot.

How's Canada? I get jealous when I think about you making new friends and forgetting about us. Jaemin and the others miss you too, but I miss you on a deeper level. I know I'm never going to see you again, because what business do you have here in Korea. I miss the way your hugs felt. I miss the way you smell. I can't deal with seeing certain people because they remind me too much of you. I know you're extremely straight, and that's why you're not getting this letter. I just don't know why I can't move on.

I still love you Renjun, and I have tried to move on and like different people, but I guess I'm just not worthy of it. Every person I've loved has left me or doesn't feel the same, that's why everyone sees me as the 'bro' who wouldn't date anyone, but I guess I'm lucky, I'd rather be friends than get hurt. Again. I still love you Renjun, and it's unfortunate that it was at the wrong place, the wrong time, and the wrong us. 

\- Jeno.


End file.
